When I found out I was pregnant with David, there was a wave of women who were also finding out they were pregnant with their rainbows. I had a bad feeling, knowing the odds were one of us would lose our baby. I desperately wanted a girl, but was happy just to have a healthy child. It turns out, of those mommies, one is having twin girls, two others are having girls, and the fourth, I am still not sure and haven't had the courage to ask. Heartbreak, jealousy, anger...those are just a few of the tumultuous emotions rolling around inside of me.
We've been to church once in these two months since we lost David and when we did go, a baby boy was in front of us playing with his daddy's hands. My husband smiled at him and I lost it. He wants a baby and twice I've failed him.
I had such big plans for this summer, but as my schedule changes and I have less to do I find that's when the grief and anger sets in, leaving me feeling defeated. Defeat. That's the word. Beaten, bruised,broken...defeated.
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