We were well on our way to our rainbow. We had seen its beautiful light. We had begun to prepare for our journey with our rainbow. We had planned, purchased, and prayed for a safe arrival at this most sacred destination.
Our sweet baby was conceived on Kayla's 7th birthday, following fertility treatments and 10 months of desperate longing for a chance to bring a baby home. We had beta levels drawn and things looked great. I wrote down everything about these appointments, numbers, feelings, times, everything, just in case we didn't get more than that. We took a picture of my 4 week belly and I was planning on asking Ryan to take a picture Sunday of my 10 week belly. I joined the rainbow group of mothers who are carrying or have had their rainbows for hope and support. We got the new house and I had picked out the nursery paint. My mother-in-law had the patterns out to begin the nursery bedding. We were on our journey and couldn't have been happier!
I went for an ultrasound early yesterday. This was an appointment to plan the screenings, set up high risk appointments, and just take a peek at our rainbow. I went alone knowing everything was fine. And after all the plans were set, she began the ultrasound. I saw our sweet baby but I said instantly "I don't see a heartbeat". I fell apart. She kept saying to wait a minute, but I knew. A mother always knows. So there I laid, alone and shattered.
Today we arrived early to have a "dilation and evacuation". What a horrible phrase! Our pastor sat with us as they explained that this was likely a repeat of McKenna's condition, likely we have a problem creating healthy children , likely that this is the end of a dream for us. They did the procedure and again I left a hospital with empty arms and a very shattered heart...
A week from today we will celebrate McKenna's first birthday in Heaven. Ryan and I have now lost two children in less than a year, but we've lost more, we've lost the hope and we've lost the dreams. Our children are hurting and we can't fix it. Life seems so very unfair sometimes. Our rainbow has faded away into a very cloudy rainy sky.
