The words no parents want to hear

To pick up where I left off...we went to our March 28 appointment and verified she was a girl! I knew all along but hearing it was amazing! We were so excited we took the kid and Kayla video tapped the ultrasound. It was an amazing moment. Following the ultrasound we went back to the waiting room to wait to see the doctor. While in the waiting room we called everyone and even posted it on Facebook. We were so excited! We were called back for my appointment and the kids were trying so hard to be good. We waited and waited. Finally the doctor came in and I laid back for her to measure my belly. Except...she didn't. She held out her hand and pulled me back up and stood in front of me and said, "there's a small problem with the baby." She went on explaining their was fluid in her lungs and she didn't know enough about it to know what to do. She said it was probably not a big deal, but I should see a specialist. Then she left the room. I had the sensation of watching the scene from afar; As if my body wasn't my own. We gathered the kids and headed down the hall to get my Quad screen and then left. I cried all the way home. Ryan kept saying everything was fine. Looking back, I knew that it wasn't "nothing". I knew!

Everyone is pregnant!!!

This doesn't follow the story line. It's more of a side bar. We've been trying 5 cycles now to have a baby after losing McKenna. Truthfully, it's making me a bit insane! Everyone around me is having their babies that were due when I was or they are newly pregnant. Yesterday was my due date, a baby girl was born to a friend of mine. Today a friend I have met through support groups announce her pregnancy with twins and moments later our pediatrician walked in, 7 months along. Then I looked at the papers they gave me for Brandon and discovered they accidentally handed me newborn papers!! So, here I sit in the pediatrician office choking back tears with every breath! When will it be my turn again? Everyone says to quit trying. How do you stop trying after handing your daughter to a nurse knowing that's the last time you'll see her? How do you stop thinking about it?

The End of a Chapter

Today, August 23, 2012 our precious baby girl was due to make her entrance into this world.  In reality, she would have been here a little over a week ago, but nonetheless, this day is still difficult.  However, I am ready to close this chapter of milestones and look forward to celebrating her birthday instead.  There won't be a day in my life that I won't have a heavy heart, but I am choosing to celebrate her short life instead of grieve for what I have lost. 

To continue our story....Many people didn't know, but McKenna was planned.  We were trying for her.  We tried for 5 months and stopped trying.  We decided to take a break.  That's when I got pregnant!  On December 12, 2011, I went to work like normal.  Glancing at my calendar on my way to work, I discovered I should have a new cycle starting.  I waited all day for that and it never came.  I knew!  I stopped at the store on my way home to buy a test.  I discreetly took it as soon as I got home.  In seconds I got a BIG FAT POSITIVE.  With shaking hands, I went about my plan.  I have bought a baby bottle months before to surprise Ryan with our news.  I grabbed the bottle and filled it with his sweet tea.  I went into the bedroom and told him I got him a drink and handed him the baby bottle.  He looked at me completely confused.  I said, "I thought you might want to learn how to use one of these."  He was still confused and in my head I was saying, "Wait for it..."  Then just like that it clicked and he jumped up and hugged me.  He was so happy!  He kept asking me questions and hugging me and following me around.  Finally, I had the pregnancy that was the way it was "supposed to be"!  We were so happy!

We started telling people right away.  Some people were very happy, some people a little sceptic.  The sceptics quickly became happy.  It was perfect!  Ryan called every morning he was gone to see how I was feeling and was so attentive.  In January, we went for our first appointment.  We were so surprised because they decided to do an ultrasound.  We got to see our little gummy bear!  What a wonderful day!  The baby looked great! We started buying things and making plans.  Things continued as normal, until March 28, the day we were waiting for for so long...the day we would find out she was our so desired little princess, but also the day we found out the news that changed our lives FOREVER...

The price we pay...

For many years I was never a part of any groups.  Through high school and college I wasn’t much of a joiner.  I preferred to interact with people in my own way and never felt as if I belonged to any specific group of people.  After college I got married and very shortly after I had a beautiful daughter, quickly followed by two handsome boys.  My life was consumed with a house full of babies.  There is less than two and half years between my oldest and my youngest.   I didn’t have time for friends and stuck to interacting my family.  We went to church, but didn’t participate in any small groups.  Needless to say my social life was limited. 

Shortly after my third child was born, my husband I separated.  We had many insurmountable issues and there had been infidelity that I knew I wouldn’t be able to “get over.”  I entered into a period of my life where I felt very isolated.  Not yet 25, I was going through a divorce, became a single mom of three very small children, and was still friendless. 

I learned to cope with the grief that I felt and very quickly learned to stand on my own two feet and rebuild my life apart from my failed marriage.  I was finally happy.  I was headed in the right direction.  Looking back now I think, “Wow, that was easy!” 

Not long after ,I met Ryan. We dated for awhile and got married.  Aside from family I still had very few friends and none that I was very close to, but I was happy.  We belonged to a church, but our interactions at church were limited to the greeting time at the beginning of each service.  My daughter was a dancer, so I had some acquatiances that I spoke friendly to on dance nights.  Ryan is a truck driver and was gone a lot so as before life revolved around my children and work.

In the spring of 2012 we became a member of a club.  This club though is one that NO ONE wants a membership to.  Not a single person in this club doesn’t wish with every fiber of their being that they didn’t have to be a part of it.  The price of membership was excurtiating.  We became members of the club of parents who have lost a child.  We paid the ultimate price to find out who our friends were and to connect with people we never would have found. 

More tomorrow...