True or False

Patience is a virtue. True. Well, patience is not something I have a whole lot of. I'm not particularly patient in any area of my life, but especially not when it is in regards to something I want or want to happen. We waited 10 months to get pregnant with David. Not because we wanted to wait, but because it simply didn't happen. After this period of not so patiently waiting I couldn't imagine I'd lose another baby. God only gives you what you can handle. True. Well, I couldn't handle losing another child so therefore, I was safe. At the same time we got our great news, 4 other angel mamas also found out they were expecting, two that I am very close to. The doubt crept in. There were too many of us. 1 in 4 babies die in the first trimester. One of us was going to lose their baby. True. I know people want me to say that my faith is so strong that I accepted David being with God and that this was all part of "the plan". I didn't though. I was angry. Cursing and asking why. Why me? Why a second time? Why after we tried for so long? I wasn't angry for long, but it was there. My faith wasn't shaken, but my heart certainly was. We found out on Friday that David was a boy. We also found out he had Trisomy 22. This means this condition was unrelated to McKenna's. This means that there is hope for a healthy baby in the future. This means when we are ready we try again and wait. Waiting is hard. True. We will soon have a healthy baby. I can only hope that's true. Hope is lost. FALSE! 

An Old Man

Last year, Ryan spent his 29th birthday with a shattered heart. It wasn't a happy day no mater what we tried. I bought him a punching bag for his birthday because I knew he needed the stress relief. I also vowed that his 30th birthday was going to be awesome! I started planning a year ago what we were going to do.

As the year went by and we edged closer to his birthday I made some solid plans. Then things fell apart one by one to ruin my long laid plans. First, a dance competition was changed to Toledo and completely interfered. We found out we had to move. Then, we lost our second precious baby girl. I was left to throw something together. I texted all his friends and our mutual friends to meet us out. This is how it turned out: the night before his birthday, Caleb, Ryan, and I grabbed dinner. While Ryan was in the restroom Caleb and I left him (he had his car) just to make him laugh. It was not funny to him and he was mad. Then Dani, his mom and sister met us at a sports pub. That was it, none of "his" friends. (I wonder if the quotes should go around friends.) Anyhow, in a desperate attempt to alleviate the yucky feelings he was holding I was started being goofy and not really thinking made an off handed comment that resulted in a roaring argument. So again, an awful awful birthday.

The grief that follows us, especially me this time, seeps into our lives in ways we can't foresee. It ruins plans and makes happy occurrences painful. Here is the point though, Ryan and I awoke the next morning. Much like a person who doesn't particularly like to swim dips their toe in water to test it, Ryan and I shared a good morning kiss. Testing the waters. Just how mad were we? At that moment it faded back to normal. We each did our own thing (this is typical of us) and then enjoyed our day. This is life for us. We have been through hell and pushed into that place were nothing is right and yet we still come back together and share a life mixed with pain and happiness. This is why I am lucky. I have my "old" man who even though I've failed to give him a nice birthday so far, even though we can fight with the best of them, even though we seldom spend time really doing things together, more just around each other, and even though we carry this immense pain, we are still going. Still moving. Still hoping. Still standing tall for each other.