Dreams

I had so many dreams for this new baby girl we were bringing into the world. It was going to be the perfect birth, with the perfect partner by my side, a perfect baby shower with people I actually enjoyed spending time with, a perfect life following our coming home, she would dance with her sister, she would have beautiful things, and she would complete our broken, glued back together, make-shift collection of people we call family. (I say we are a collection because I realized not long ago that in addition to my collection of books, I collect people. They become a part of this family regardless of blood or not to the point that removing them is to remove a part of yourself.) Clearly, in April it was painfully obvious that those dreams would not becoming true and I needed to create some new ones. I am not a person who stays down for long. I am resilient and as cliche as it is, I am survivor. I take life's blows and come back with a not -so-lady-like response of a finger in the air, daring another attempt to derail me. I had decided long ago that I had spent a good deal of time in college and it only made sense to continue all the way. So, I took that dream and enrolled in my PhD program with the goal of being a professor of special education in the end. (Besides the fact that when Im not in school I have to pay back my loans so I may just take classes until I die. Learn Chinese? Why not. Law school? sure! You think Im kidding...)
I am extremely proud to say that in spite of the year from deep dark places, I am carrying a 4.0 and am advancing quickly and ahead of schedule. I have more plans than this and with each day that passes I see this brighter and brighter future. I do not forget McKenna, instead I live to the fullest to show her that her mama is proud and strong and can take on this world. So as we continue on our journey and our search for a rainbow I know that come what may, I can do this and that, is a very good feeling!

Searching for a Rainbow

A few months ago I would search for rainbows. Surely if I saw a rainbow it meant that my own rainbow was on it's way. Right? Wrong! As weeks turned into months I looked harder. The high beams on the speed limit sign. Does that count? The rain falling in the oil puddle in the parking lot. Does that count? The four year old handing me a prism in awe of the rainbow on the wall. Surely that counts? After six months of looking for rainbows in everything, I quit watching. I stopped searching and accepted that it would happen when it was meant to. No sign was going to shine in my path to tell me that my wait was over. We continue to wait for our rainbow. No longer searching the skies, no longer smiling when a rainbow crosses our path. Just waiting. And praying. And crying. Lots and lots of tears and prayers. So here's my hope: somewhere the prayer will mix with the tears and create a beautiful rainbow intended just for us!