I was admitted to the hospital on Tuesday morning due to an extremely high blood pressure. I was put on medicine and just laid around, for hours! Ryan, bless his heart, was by my side the whole time. He didn't even leave to smoke until someone else was with me. That meant from around 11am until 8:00pm! I was moved from triage to another semi-private room where I was told I would be until I delivered. I thought we were talking weeks! In the next hour we were visited by many doctors and nurses. My pulse was very low, they were concerned. My blood pressure was still high, they were concerned. It finally came down to worst decision we've ever had to face. I begged for an ultrasound just to make sure that nothing had changed, to make sure it was as bad as try say, to make sure that I would someday believe the fate they had stated was hers. The doctor who did my ultrasound said we needed to deliver. There was no choice left. I would not make it if we didn't get McKenna out. All this time, my tiny girl is kicking and moving and letting me know she is still there, still fighting, still giving me hope. We had a choice, we could do a c-section, but given her size it would destroy all abdominal muscles and I would never be able to have another child, or we could induce with seaweed and hope she made it through delivery. The NICU doctor came in to help us with this decision. She told us that by the ultrasound they didn't think they could save McKenna but they would try. We made the decision to induce labor, questioning all along if it was right, would she have a better chance with a c-section?
Clinging to hope, racked with guilt and fear! At this point, my mother in law and sister in law made it and gave Ryan a break. They went with me as we moved to a labor and delivery room. That is when the finality of it hit me. This was it. These where the last
hours I would carry my tiny girl and be able to keep her safe. Through the night more people arrived. My parents, my brothers, Ryan's best friend, some stayed, some left. My brother brought the elephant Ryan had bought McKenna and a tiny dress that I had picked out in the event that we needed it for the worst case scenario. Through those hours we had some laughs, and surprisingly few tears. In all, 7 people were in the delivery room with me plus doctors and nurses. Everyone had stepped out and Ryan and I had a few minutes to ourselves. I wasn't worth much company wise because the medications I was on were very painful and made me very strange. My husband was scared, that much was clear to me. The fear was there for his baby, but in front of that was a deeper fear for his wife. In losing his wife he would lose the other kids as well. His entire life hung in a balance he had no control over. In those moments I could see this, but not respond to him. I couldn't comfort him, I couldn't answer him, I couldn't give him the reassurance McKenna offered me with each kick, I couldn't interact with him at all. The medicine made me zombie like. Then, my water broke. I was alert for a moment. He ran for my dad who ran for a nurse and everyone filed back in. After a bit a doctor got there and checked me. McKenna was half way out, feet first. The doctor saw some movement and after working her out, they rushed her to the baby bed. The doctors tried, tried to save her, and couldn't. They wrapped her in a blanket and handed her to me. How beautiful she was, how dainty, how perfect, how wonderful! We cried, we talked about how perfect she was, we dressed her, we took pictures, we passed her around, just as we would if she was breathing. She was our baby, our anticipated, loved, and cherished baby. We had her in our arms for three hours. There are few moments in your life you remember with precise clarity. One of this moments for me was handing my daughter to a nurse and knowing it was the last time I would see her in my lifetime! As she walked away with her, Ryan and I watched her go and it will always be the worst moment of my life.
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