Here's to many more! :)

With Brandon's 5th birthday around the corner I am facing a whole slew of emotions. First off: wonder. How did my baby become 5 so quickly? Second: anxiety. Will I ever get to again have a "take-home" baby? And most of all, and I truly mean the biggest part: amazement, blessed beyond measure, awe, thankfulness. I have been blessed with 5 amazing years with an amazing boy who is truly one of the things that makes my heart sing! He is simply wonderful. Before I had my child taken from me, I never stopped to think about the wonderful blessing every day with my children is. 

The other day Kayla was making a list of each of their party themes. I have been immensely blessed to see princesses, cowboys, Mickey Mouse, monkeys, dirt machines, Thomas the Train, Lilo and Stitch, Elmo, semi trucks, Littlest Pet Shop, Dr Suess, Pirates, Kilan, space, Hannah Montanna, dinosaurs, and now Star Wars! What memories! It's not that Kayla and Lane's birthdays don't evoke such wonder in me, it's just that my baby goes to Kinderarten this year. My baby is 5! So unbelievable! My heart is so full!

Stop signs

This past spring, Ryan and I moved the kids to safer, quieter neighborhood. Way safer. By safer I mean we live 8 houses from an elementary school so not are we within the school speed limit zone, but with recent increase in checks, we are likely not that near a sex offender either. Few cars go by and when they do they go slowly. Everyone on the road are "normal" middle class families or older couples. They have no need to steal from others and with the abundance of children, they most certainly wouldn't want to take one of mine! 

We live in a safer house. By safer here I mean it was built in the 60s. 1960s not 1860s like out old one. That may be a bit of an exaggeration, but you get the idea. Our entire house isn't on one circuit anymore, the ability to exit windows if need be is far easier, and we don't have 200 year old pine trees teetering over our home threaten to fall and crush my children every single time there's a storm. We are safe. It was hard to leave the only place that was ever McKenna's. Hard to walk away from her one and only room, but we were ready to prepare a new one for David or now someday another child. We needed this move. 

When we moved it didn't take the kids long to realize that here they could ride their bikes. No semis barreling past our house. I let them begin riding their bikes, but only if I was there to watch. Once I let them cross the street. Then slowly I laid out boundaries. You may go as far as that mail box. You may got as far as that drive way, etc. I finally let them do this while I was in the house. 

Last week I got really brave. I let them ride to the stop sign! Out of my sight for a few short moments. The first time, I didn't hear them for what I felt was too long (probably something like 20 seconds that to me felt like 20 hours) and everything imaginable went trough my mind. They're been hit by a car (possible, but not very likely at 10am), they've been kidnapped (all three together, yea right!), they are being bullied (I dare a bully to take on my 7 year old. Ha!). But still the fear flooded and took all realistic thought away. In reality they made it the 50 yards to the stop sign safety and together and had paused reveling in this new found freedom.

Well with all things child related, give an inch, take or push for a mile. My will be 2nd and 1st graders are begging to be allowed to walk to school. In my mind I know this is acceptable. In my heart I'm dying thinking of the possibilities: bullies, rapist, and worst, kid nappers. The possibilities of not seeing my babies again consumes me on some days. I make fire escape plans, I wait until I see them go in the school building, i make them sleep on the couch during storms lest a tree (though there really aren't threatening ones) may squish them, I check on them constantly. When your child has been taken so senselessly from you arms and you are never really told why, the paranoia sets in. 

Some days the stop sign is just too far. 

So forgive me, my babies, as I stumble through these years, trying to allow you to go and have freedom, but so desperately needing to keep you within sight where I know you are safe. Someday you'll take a drive to see your old mom and dad and look at your spouses and say, "see that stop sign, I was never allowed past that as a child" and you'll probably laugh and think what a nut your mother was, but know, my dears, I do this because I love you so entirely that I can't imagine losing you too. 

November Rainbows

When I found out I was pregnant with David, there was a wave of women who were also finding out they were pregnant with their rainbows. I had a bad feeling, knowing the odds were one of us would lose our baby. I desperately wanted a girl, but was happy just to have a healthy child. It turns out, of those mommies, one is having twin girls, two others are having girls, and the fourth, I am still not sure and haven't had the courage to ask. Heartbreak, jealousy, anger...those are just a few of the tumultuous emotions rolling around inside of me. 

    We've been to church once in these two months since we lost David and when we did go, a baby boy was in front of us playing with his daddy's hands. My husband smiled at him and I lost it. He wants a baby and twice I've failed him. 

    I had such big plans for this summer, but as my schedule changes and I have less to do I find that's when the grief and anger sets in, leaving me feeling defeated. Defeat. That's the word. Beaten, bruised,broken...defeated. 

True or False

Patience is a virtue. True. Well, patience is not something I have a whole lot of. I'm not particularly patient in any area of my life, but especially not when it is in regards to something I want or want to happen. We waited 10 months to get pregnant with David. Not because we wanted to wait, but because it simply didn't happen. After this period of not so patiently waiting I couldn't imagine I'd lose another baby. God only gives you what you can handle. True. Well, I couldn't handle losing another child so therefore, I was safe. At the same time we got our great news, 4 other angel mamas also found out they were expecting, two that I am very close to. The doubt crept in. There were too many of us. 1 in 4 babies die in the first trimester. One of us was going to lose their baby. True. I know people want me to say that my faith is so strong that I accepted David being with God and that this was all part of "the plan". I didn't though. I was angry. Cursing and asking why. Why me? Why a second time? Why after we tried for so long? I wasn't angry for long, but it was there. My faith wasn't shaken, but my heart certainly was. We found out on Friday that David was a boy. We also found out he had Trisomy 22. This means this condition was unrelated to McKenna's. This means that there is hope for a healthy baby in the future. This means when we are ready we try again and wait. Waiting is hard. True. We will soon have a healthy baby. I can only hope that's true. Hope is lost. FALSE! 

An Old Man

Last year, Ryan spent his 29th birthday with a shattered heart. It wasn't a happy day no mater what we tried. I bought him a punching bag for his birthday because I knew he needed the stress relief. I also vowed that his 30th birthday was going to be awesome! I started planning a year ago what we were going to do.

As the year went by and we edged closer to his birthday I made some solid plans. Then things fell apart one by one to ruin my long laid plans. First, a dance competition was changed to Toledo and completely interfered. We found out we had to move. Then, we lost our second precious baby girl. I was left to throw something together. I texted all his friends and our mutual friends to meet us out. This is how it turned out: the night before his birthday, Caleb, Ryan, and I grabbed dinner. While Ryan was in the restroom Caleb and I left him (he had his car) just to make him laugh. It was not funny to him and he was mad. Then Dani, his mom and sister met us at a sports pub. That was it, none of "his" friends. (I wonder if the quotes should go around friends.) Anyhow, in a desperate attempt to alleviate the yucky feelings he was holding I was started being goofy and not really thinking made an off handed comment that resulted in a roaring argument. So again, an awful awful birthday.

The grief that follows us, especially me this time, seeps into our lives in ways we can't foresee. It ruins plans and makes happy occurrences painful. Here is the point though, Ryan and I awoke the next morning. Much like a person who doesn't particularly like to swim dips their toe in water to test it, Ryan and I shared a good morning kiss. Testing the waters. Just how mad were we? At that moment it faded back to normal. We each did our own thing (this is typical of us) and then enjoyed our day. This is life for us. We have been through hell and pushed into that place were nothing is right and yet we still come back together and share a life mixed with pain and happiness. This is why I am lucky. I have my "old" man who even though I've failed to give him a nice birthday so far, even though we can fight with the best of them, even though we seldom spend time really doing things together, more just around each other, and even though we carry this immense pain, we are still going. Still moving. Still hoping. Still standing tall for each other.

When the rainbow fades away

We were well on our way to our rainbow. We had seen its beautiful light. We had begun to prepare for our journey with our rainbow. We had planned, purchased, and prayed for a safe arrival at this most sacred destination.
Our sweet baby was conceived on Kayla's 7th birthday, following fertility treatments and 10 months of desperate longing for a chance to bring a baby home. We had beta levels drawn and things looked great. I wrote down everything about these appointments, numbers, feelings, times, everything, just in case we didn't get more than that. We took a picture of my 4 week belly and I was planning on asking Ryan to take a picture Sunday of my 10 week belly. I joined the rainbow group of mothers who are carrying or have had their rainbows for hope and support. We got the new house and I had picked out the nursery paint. My mother-in-law had the patterns out to begin the nursery bedding. We were on our journey and couldn't have been happier!
I went for an ultrasound early yesterday. This was an appointment to plan the screenings, set up high risk appointments, and just take a peek at our rainbow. I went alone knowing everything was fine. And after all the plans were set, she began the ultrasound. I saw our sweet baby but I said instantly "I don't see a heartbeat". I fell apart. She kept saying to wait a minute, but I knew. A mother always knows. So there I laid, alone and shattered.
Today we arrived early to have a "dilation and evacuation". What a horrible phrase! Our pastor sat with us as they explained that this was likely a repeat of McKenna's condition, likely we have a problem creating healthy children , likely that this is the end of a dream for us. They did the procedure and again I left a hospital with empty arms and a very shattered heart...
A week from today we will celebrate McKenna's first birthday in Heaven. Ryan and I have now lost two children in less than a year, but we've lost more, we've lost the hope and we've lost the dreams. Our children are hurting and we can't fix it. Life seems so very unfair sometimes. Our rainbow has faded away into a very cloudy rainy sky.

In the rain there are rays of sunshine

I've been told that my nephew said that when God takes one life another is created. This week we lost Ryan's grandmother. She loved little McKenna so much! In her very weak state she would still have Grandpa drive her to the cemetery to leave things at McKenna's stone. She had begged in her prayers for God to spare Kenna and to take her. She talked about how she has waited 10 months to hold her and that's the first thing she wanted to do when she got Home. I have no doubt that Jesus met her with McKenna in arms to get some long awaited loving from her great grandma. Today as we celebrate Kayla's birthday while mourning for a lost grandparent we are also hopeful. We have completed our first assisted cycle and the doctor is very very hopeful about its outcome. We're hoping those two angels (Grandma and Kenna) put their heads together and are sending us some blessings. We look forward to finding out :)