Here's to many more! :)

With Brandon's 5th birthday around the corner I am facing a whole slew of emotions. First off: wonder. How did my baby become 5 so quickly? Second: anxiety. Will I ever get to again have a "take-home" baby? And most of all, and I truly mean the biggest part: amazement, blessed beyond measure, awe, thankfulness. I have been blessed with 5 amazing years with an amazing boy who is truly one of the things that makes my heart sing! He is simply wonderful. Before I had my child taken from me, I never stopped to think about the wonderful blessing every day with my children is. 

The other day Kayla was making a list of each of their party themes. I have been immensely blessed to see princesses, cowboys, Mickey Mouse, monkeys, dirt machines, Thomas the Train, Lilo and Stitch, Elmo, semi trucks, Littlest Pet Shop, Dr Suess, Pirates, Kilan, space, Hannah Montanna, dinosaurs, and now Star Wars! What memories! It's not that Kayla and Lane's birthdays don't evoke such wonder in me, it's just that my baby goes to Kinderarten this year. My baby is 5! So unbelievable! My heart is so full!

Stop signs

This past spring, Ryan and I moved the kids to safer, quieter neighborhood. Way safer. By safer I mean we live 8 houses from an elementary school so not are we within the school speed limit zone, but with recent increase in checks, we are likely not that near a sex offender either. Few cars go by and when they do they go slowly. Everyone on the road are "normal" middle class families or older couples. They have no need to steal from others and with the abundance of children, they most certainly wouldn't want to take one of mine! 

We live in a safer house. By safer here I mean it was built in the 60s. 1960s not 1860s like out old one. That may be a bit of an exaggeration, but you get the idea. Our entire house isn't on one circuit anymore, the ability to exit windows if need be is far easier, and we don't have 200 year old pine trees teetering over our home threaten to fall and crush my children every single time there's a storm. We are safe. It was hard to leave the only place that was ever McKenna's. Hard to walk away from her one and only room, but we were ready to prepare a new one for David or now someday another child. We needed this move. 

When we moved it didn't take the kids long to realize that here they could ride their bikes. No semis barreling past our house. I let them begin riding their bikes, but only if I was there to watch. Once I let them cross the street. Then slowly I laid out boundaries. You may go as far as that mail box. You may got as far as that drive way, etc. I finally let them do this while I was in the house. 

Last week I got really brave. I let them ride to the stop sign! Out of my sight for a few short moments. The first time, I didn't hear them for what I felt was too long (probably something like 20 seconds that to me felt like 20 hours) and everything imaginable went trough my mind. They're been hit by a car (possible, but not very likely at 10am), they've been kidnapped (all three together, yea right!), they are being bullied (I dare a bully to take on my 7 year old. Ha!). But still the fear flooded and took all realistic thought away. In reality they made it the 50 yards to the stop sign safety and together and had paused reveling in this new found freedom.

Well with all things child related, give an inch, take or push for a mile. My will be 2nd and 1st graders are begging to be allowed to walk to school. In my mind I know this is acceptable. In my heart I'm dying thinking of the possibilities: bullies, rapist, and worst, kid nappers. The possibilities of not seeing my babies again consumes me on some days. I make fire escape plans, I wait until I see them go in the school building, i make them sleep on the couch during storms lest a tree (though there really aren't threatening ones) may squish them, I check on them constantly. When your child has been taken so senselessly from you arms and you are never really told why, the paranoia sets in. 

Some days the stop sign is just too far. 

So forgive me, my babies, as I stumble through these years, trying to allow you to go and have freedom, but so desperately needing to keep you within sight where I know you are safe. Someday you'll take a drive to see your old mom and dad and look at your spouses and say, "see that stop sign, I was never allowed past that as a child" and you'll probably laugh and think what a nut your mother was, but know, my dears, I do this because I love you so entirely that I can't imagine losing you too.