Thankfulness and wistfulness

This Thanksgiving was exceptionally wonderful in our home. We hosted this year, which is new for us, but expected given that of the six grandchild of the martriarch of our family, I am the only girl. I knew the passing of the torch was coming and it made sense given that I have the larger number of people to load up and get places. In addition, my brothers were all home. We've spent a couple years now with family members away for the holidays, but this time, everyone was here....at least that's what the entire famiy kept saying. Don't get me wrong, I joined in the laughter, chaos, and confusion as 24 people shoved their way into a home that was designed as practical living space, not enteritaining space, but to me, there was still someone missing, in fact, two someones. The truth is, I should have a bouncy 18 month old little girl all caught up in the excitement. She should be on tiptoes trying to snatch cookies from the table. She should be swinging around in her uncle's arms with the other three, but this is not my first Thanksgiving longing for her either. There's another truth to point out, we had a baby due 10 days before Thanksgiving. He wasn't there being fawned over and passed around. I just have to keep thinking next year, next year we will have our baby home for Thanksgiving, but the real truth is, there will ALWAYS be people missing now. I'm thankful, ever so thankful, for my three children here and my son growing stronger inside every day, but I'll always be a bit wistful for what should be....

You'll never sleep again!

When you're a new mother you know you won't get much sleep. What they don't tell you is that you will never sleep again! We made it through the nightly feelings, bed wetting, and nearly through the nightmare stage and yet I still don't sleep. Around 10pm I finally got the youngest to sleep, though he would only sleep with me because the pain from surgery was so bad. Around 11 I was awakened by being kicked from within. Around 12:30 I was awakened by a sick 7 year old. No sooner had I crawled back in bed, moved the sleeping 5 year back to his side, and drifted off than a loud bang awoke me. I frantically ran downstairs to my six year old to find that he had knocked his metal horseshoe that he insists on sleeping with off the top of the bunk bed. Awesome! Perhaps we should reevaluate this and buy him a stuffed horse! So I drag myself back to bed and again move the 5 year old. Before I could ever fall back asleep, the 7 year old is awake again. And no sooner had she gone back to ebd did the cat decide that she needed food right then and would not be waiting until morning. Needless to say, it's one of those days where I'm dragging a bit. Here's the thing though: it's not just sick kids and annoying cats that cause you to never sleep again. Mothers are gifted (though today I'm thinking more cursed) to be able to wake easily for their children. They hear noises in the night and fearless run towards the noise to protect their babies. They wake from intuition alone. I'm in no way saying fathers aren't important or gifted in their own ways, but it's a mother's love that keeps her moving on 1-2 hours of sleep, that has her sitting in the bathroom with a 7 year old that is whimpering from her belly hurting, that feeds the dang cat at 4am, and gets up to pack lunches and backpacks, and attempt to go to work. It's a good feeling to know that I will never sleep again! 

Magical Powers

I didn't know when I began writing this blog what direction it would eventually take. It started as a way to remeber my journey with McKenna. Then, it grew to celebrating the new life of David. After we lost him, it changed to a place to express the jouney that child loss takes. Now, it is a place to share and remember the entire journey: The mountains I have climbed, the clouds I have walked on, the places were I soared, and the moments my family and friends had to carry me. Its a place for my children to one day look back when they are struggling and remember our walk together. Its a place were friends and family can see that my thankfulness goes beyond any words i can say to them. It's a place of hope! 

Being a single mom for awhile and then being the primary parent at home after Ryan and I married, my kids rely on me above all others. They know I'll be the one to feed them, transport them here there and everywhere, help them feel better, cuddle them through nightmares, and love them above all else.  Coming with that, my kids believe I have magical powers. In spite of shortcomings, to them, I am Super Woman. It's fun to taunt my husband with this, but I wanted to understand their thinking.

 Now, I've never been one to hide much from my kids. I shield them where I can, but if they ask, they will get an on honest answer. They asked how babies were made, they got a watered down G-rated truth. My now seven year old at five demanded the truth on Santa. Knowing that the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy would also lose their magic, I handed her the truth and begged her not to tell. She still hasn't. When they asked why their father and I are no longer married they got a g-rated version of the words infedility and abuse. When they asked why we lost two babies they were told that some babies get sick and die and it's sad, but it's true.  I will shield them by not pointing out when their father fails to show up or when something disappointing but not life altering happens, but if they ask they will hear the truth. You may not agree with my style, but for us, it works. My children,in turn, are honest to a fault. They can't keep secrets, they don't lie, and they don't cheat because they know its the same as lying. 

Because of my need for them to know the truth and their ability to always tell the truth, I sat down with my seven year old to explain that I was not really magical. Her response was simple, "Oh, I know that. But you CAN do anything". I explained that no, I couldn't do everything. She looked at me and said "Life has been really hard lately, but you keep going and have always been the best mommy in the world. You love three of us here and two in Heaven. That's a lot of work, but you do it." I kissed her goodnight, slipped into my room and bawled. 

Yes Kayla, it is a lot of work to parent Earthly children and Heavenly children, but the daily reminders of my many blessing is what gives me my "magical powers". I have been blessed. Abundantly blessed! 

Here's to many more! :)

With Brandon's 5th birthday around the corner I am facing a whole slew of emotions. First off: wonder. How did my baby become 5 so quickly? Second: anxiety. Will I ever get to again have a "take-home" baby? And most of all, and I truly mean the biggest part: amazement, blessed beyond measure, awe, thankfulness. I have been blessed with 5 amazing years with an amazing boy who is truly one of the things that makes my heart sing! He is simply wonderful. Before I had my child taken from me, I never stopped to think about the wonderful blessing every day with my children is. 

The other day Kayla was making a list of each of their party themes. I have been immensely blessed to see princesses, cowboys, Mickey Mouse, monkeys, dirt machines, Thomas the Train, Lilo and Stitch, Elmo, semi trucks, Littlest Pet Shop, Dr Suess, Pirates, Kilan, space, Hannah Montanna, dinosaurs, and now Star Wars! What memories! It's not that Kayla and Lane's birthdays don't evoke such wonder in me, it's just that my baby goes to Kinderarten this year. My baby is 5! So unbelievable! My heart is so full!

Stop signs

This past spring, Ryan and I moved the kids to safer, quieter neighborhood. Way safer. By safer I mean we live 8 houses from an elementary school so not are we within the school speed limit zone, but with recent increase in checks, we are likely not that near a sex offender either. Few cars go by and when they do they go slowly. Everyone on the road are "normal" middle class families or older couples. They have no need to steal from others and with the abundance of children, they most certainly wouldn't want to take one of mine! 

We live in a safer house. By safer here I mean it was built in the 60s. 1960s not 1860s like out old one. That may be a bit of an exaggeration, but you get the idea. Our entire house isn't on one circuit anymore, the ability to exit windows if need be is far easier, and we don't have 200 year old pine trees teetering over our home threaten to fall and crush my children every single time there's a storm. We are safe. It was hard to leave the only place that was ever McKenna's. Hard to walk away from her one and only room, but we were ready to prepare a new one for David or now someday another child. We needed this move. 

When we moved it didn't take the kids long to realize that here they could ride their bikes. No semis barreling past our house. I let them begin riding their bikes, but only if I was there to watch. Once I let them cross the street. Then slowly I laid out boundaries. You may go as far as that mail box. You may got as far as that drive way, etc. I finally let them do this while I was in the house. 

Last week I got really brave. I let them ride to the stop sign! Out of my sight for a few short moments. The first time, I didn't hear them for what I felt was too long (probably something like 20 seconds that to me felt like 20 hours) and everything imaginable went trough my mind. They're been hit by a car (possible, but not very likely at 10am), they've been kidnapped (all three together, yea right!), they are being bullied (I dare a bully to take on my 7 year old. Ha!). But still the fear flooded and took all realistic thought away. In reality they made it the 50 yards to the stop sign safety and together and had paused reveling in this new found freedom.

Well with all things child related, give an inch, take or push for a mile. My will be 2nd and 1st graders are begging to be allowed to walk to school. In my mind I know this is acceptable. In my heart I'm dying thinking of the possibilities: bullies, rapist, and worst, kid nappers. The possibilities of not seeing my babies again consumes me on some days. I make fire escape plans, I wait until I see them go in the school building, i make them sleep on the couch during storms lest a tree (though there really aren't threatening ones) may squish them, I check on them constantly. When your child has been taken so senselessly from you arms and you are never really told why, the paranoia sets in. 

Some days the stop sign is just too far. 

So forgive me, my babies, as I stumble through these years, trying to allow you to go and have freedom, but so desperately needing to keep you within sight where I know you are safe. Someday you'll take a drive to see your old mom and dad and look at your spouses and say, "see that stop sign, I was never allowed past that as a child" and you'll probably laugh and think what a nut your mother was, but know, my dears, I do this because I love you so entirely that I can't imagine losing you too. 

November Rainbows

When I found out I was pregnant with David, there was a wave of women who were also finding out they were pregnant with their rainbows. I had a bad feeling, knowing the odds were one of us would lose our baby. I desperately wanted a girl, but was happy just to have a healthy child. It turns out, of those mommies, one is having twin girls, two others are having girls, and the fourth, I am still not sure and haven't had the courage to ask. Heartbreak, jealousy, anger...those are just a few of the tumultuous emotions rolling around inside of me. 

    We've been to church once in these two months since we lost David and when we did go, a baby boy was in front of us playing with his daddy's hands. My husband smiled at him and I lost it. He wants a baby and twice I've failed him. 

    I had such big plans for this summer, but as my schedule changes and I have less to do I find that's when the grief and anger sets in, leaving me feeling defeated. Defeat. That's the word. Beaten, bruised,broken...defeated. 

True or False

Patience is a virtue. True. Well, patience is not something I have a whole lot of. I'm not particularly patient in any area of my life, but especially not when it is in regards to something I want or want to happen. We waited 10 months to get pregnant with David. Not because we wanted to wait, but because it simply didn't happen. After this period of not so patiently waiting I couldn't imagine I'd lose another baby. God only gives you what you can handle. True. Well, I couldn't handle losing another child so therefore, I was safe. At the same time we got our great news, 4 other angel mamas also found out they were expecting, two that I am very close to. The doubt crept in. There were too many of us. 1 in 4 babies die in the first trimester. One of us was going to lose their baby. True. I know people want me to say that my faith is so strong that I accepted David being with God and that this was all part of "the plan". I didn't though. I was angry. Cursing and asking why. Why me? Why a second time? Why after we tried for so long? I wasn't angry for long, but it was there. My faith wasn't shaken, but my heart certainly was. We found out on Friday that David was a boy. We also found out he had Trisomy 22. This means this condition was unrelated to McKenna's. This means that there is hope for a healthy baby in the future. This means when we are ready we try again and wait. Waiting is hard. True. We will soon have a healthy baby. I can only hope that's true. Hope is lost. FALSE!